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What keeps you faithful?

March 30, 2014 by Peter Fletcher

Johnny Cash looking pensive

What keeps you faithful? Image: Reverendo Franklin https://www.flickr.com/photos/49083998@N07/5204621989/

Johnny Cash once sang “Because you’re mine, I walk the line.” His song was intended to proclame his love and devotion to a woman. But in reality it was – as is so often the case with love songs – a declaration of an unhealthy relationship based on possession and a fear of loss.

Look at the words again. The reason he’d walk the line was because the subject of his song was “mine”. In other words he would be faithful to the other person for as long as they were his possession.

Take away the ownership and Johnny would no longer be walking the line. In other words, his fidelity required possession of another. The moment that possession was lost the the fidelity would cease.

But fidelity based on possession or the threat of loss is disempowering. It places the responsibility for your actions in the hands of another person.

A far more powerful way to express a promise of fidelity would be to say “I’ll walk the line because I’ll walk the line.” There is no reason needed or given and no justification, just a simple promise to be kept despite the circumstances.

So what keeps you faithful? Is it a sense of mutual loss or a simple commitment to keep a promise made?

Filed Under: Life strategies Tagged With: commitment, Johnny Cash

Why being an ostrich is stopping you from achieving your goals

February 10, 2014 by Peter Fletcher

An ostrich

When it comes to goal setting don’t be an ostrich and put your head in the sand. Image: Aidan http://www.flickr.com/photos/aidanwojtas/

Last year I had a goal of writing a book. It was going to 70,ooo words. That worked out to just under 1,000 words per day if I was going to finish within 3 months.

As it turned out it was a hopelessly ambitious goal. I lasted about a week. OK, maybe it was a bit longer but it was less than a month.

The funny thing (actually it wasn’t that funny but let’s call it that) was that after I skipped the first few days I stopped measuring my progress. It wasn’t a deliberate strategy but it allowed me to avoid the ugly truth that things weren’t working out.

As it turns out my behaviour is called the Ostrich Syndrome (PDF), which is when someone sticks their head in the sand and hopes a problem will go away.

People who are enjoying a goal and staying on track find it easy to keep track of their progress. But those who start to slip behind are much more likely to stop measuring.

Think about it. Have you ever embarked on a weight loss campaign and become disheartened when the scales tipped the wrong way? If it wasn’t weight loss it was prospecting calls or something else that would take effort to achieve.

Either way, chances are you’ve said yes. And the reality is that soon after the initial setback you’ve stopped looking at the scales, or counting the number of words written or calls made.

But the problem with avoiding bad news is that it denies us from the very feedback we need to improve. Negative feedback is the very thing we need to adjust course and stay on track.

According to Ilan Mochari there are three problems that flow from not tracking your progress. They are:

  1. You’ll become scared to leave your comfort zone. That’s fine if you want to stay at your current weight or income level but if you want to achieve something worthwhile you’ll need to step into the uncertainty.
  2. You won’t achieve your goals. Mochari quotes research that proves a direct connection between goal achievement and monitoring progress. So as frightening as it may be it’s important to start getting feedback early.
  3. You won’t learn. Getting feedback about how your going is the perfect tool to learn about what’s working and what’s not. Both give you what you need to know how far to trim the sail.

There are plenty of ways to overcome the ostrich effect. But I’ll leave it up to you to share how you overcome  it in the comments below.

 

Filed Under: Life strategies Tagged With: failure, goal setting, learning, Ostrich Syndrome

7 ways to deal with negative people

February 1, 2014 by Peter Fletcher

Sad dog

There are ways to deal with negative people in our lives. Image: Pets Adviser

Let’s face it, negative people can be a drag. Their whining, nit-picking and gloomy outlook can make us want to give up on our goals and ambitions.

But we don’t have to put up with negative people.

Although it may seem that there’s nothing we can do about them, there is.

Rather than passively soaking up their angst, here are 7 ways to deal with negative people courtesy of Stepcase Lifehacker.

1. Spend less time with them.
Yes, that means physically separating yourself from your down-in-the-mouth friends. That may mean making a conscious decision to spend less time with Uncle Festus but you’ll be healthier and happier in the long run.

2. Speak up for yourself
In my first few weeks in real estate someone very close to me asked me why I thought I could sell real estate.

“You’ve never sold a thing in your life,” was their negative assessment.

“I will because I said I will,” was my response.

I sold 54 properties the next year.

The lesson, don’t absorb other people’s crap. No matter who it’s coming from it’s still crap and it’s worth letting them know you stand for playing a bigger game.

3. Don’t pretend that their behaviour is “OK.”
I once had guests over for dinner. We got into a discussion about the ethics of real estate sales people. Of course their views were anything but positive.

A couple of days later I noticed that I was feeling gloomy and dark and started to wonder why.

I traced back my gloom to that conversation.

Having worked out where my gloom had originated I was straight on the phone.

“You’ll always be welcome in my home, I said, “but don’t ever speak about agents that way again.”

“Agents make moral and ethical decisions that most people will never have to make,” I explained. “And until you’ve walked in their shoes you’re not welcome to dump your negative, cynical views about agents on me, especially while you’re in my home.”

They got the message.

4. Don’t make their problems your problems.
Helping a mate out in need is the Aussie thing to do. It’s good to listen to someone’s problem and help out where we can.

But it’s another thing altogether to make your friend’s problem your problem, especially when they have no commitment to doing something about it themselves.

And let’s face it, some people are masters at garnering sympathy for themselves through creating a never-ending series of dramas and problems. More fool us if we fall for the trap.

5. Change the subject.
Sure, acknowledge what the person has to say but then move the conversation to something more positive.

So, how about those Fremantle Dockers, hey?

That usually does the trick.

6. Talk about solutions, not problems.
Sometimes changing the topic of conversation isn’t possible. If that’s the case it’s worthwhile switching things up so that the conversation becomes an active effort to search for a solution.

“If there was a solution, what do you think it might be?” you might ask.

A question like that is often all that’s needed to get the conversation to shift to creating possible solutions. That’s way more fun than wallowing in the mire of problems and drama.

7. Leave them behind.
Yep, sometimes you just have to say adios and move on. It can be tough, especially if your friend is close or is a family member.

In the long run you’ll be healthier and happier and the world will be a better place.

Filed Under: Life strategies Tagged With: life strategies, negativity, positive outlook, positivity

7 Regrets to Avoid Before You Retire

January 25, 2014 by Peter Fletcher

Workers in suits walk through the rain.

Are you spending too much time at work and not enough time with your family? Image: Evan Blaser http://www.flickr.com/photos/evanblaser/

Mark Twain said that you’ll regret the things you didn’t do much more than the things you did do. It’s a sage observation.

So what are regrets do people have when they retire that you could start working to avoid?

Here are 7 regrets to avoid from Inc magazine that will help you avoid bad career choices.

  1. Staying in a job too long. That doesn’t mean you should be a job hopper but don’t make compromises with your life. If you’re underpaid or underappreciated, move.
  2. Not sticking up for yourself. At some point you’ll come across a bully or someone that tries to make you compromise your values. Stick to your guns. Have a clear set of values and boundaries and make them known. Don’t compromise or wimp out.
  3. Not taking risks. Take a punt on yourself. Trust your instincts but don’t sacrifice the best you can be  for a weekly salary.
  4. Getting caught up in politics. Avoid negative people and those who want to gossip and complain. Your time will be better invested by spending time with positive people.
  5. Caring too much what others think. Stop beating up on yourself and looking for validation from other people. This is your life. Live it with pride and live it on your terms.
  6. Not finishing what you started. Didn’t finish that uni degree? Couldn’t get projects completed because you’re too much of a perfectionist? Seize the moment and get them finished. You’ll be proud of it.
  7. Not spending enough time with your family. Don’t be the sad parent that Harry Chapin sang about in Cat’s in the Cradle. If you don’t have time for your family, make it. Stop for a moment and analyse what’s important to your life and start putting family time first.

What regrets do you hope to avoid?

Filed Under: Life strategies Tagged With: regrets, retirement, work-life balance

Zen and the art of the cold shower

January 16, 2014 by Peter Fletcher

Rock Garden, Ryoanji Temple, Kyoto, Japan.

Rock Garden, Ryoanji Temple, Kyoto, Japan. Image: Jim G on Flickr http://www.flickr.com/photos/jimg944/

Some conversations change our lives in ways that can’t be imagined or predicted at the time.

For me, one of those conversations took place at the end of a Zen meditation retreat.

Zen retreats are the Olympic marathon of meditation. They’re long and intense and are definitely no place to float away in some cloud of spiritual bliss.

For me they were just plain hard work.

The retreat would start at 5am with the sound of 3 bells. For the rest of the day we sat in total silence working on our koans.

My knees screamed in pain but there were no words. Just silence.

We sat like that for hours. The final bell of the evening sounded at 9pm.

Through it all the silence descended like a big dark doona, exposing thoughts to the glare of awareness and revealing the never-ending chatter of the monkey mind. 

At the end of the retreat the students share a simple lunch together and chat, slowly coming back to the speed of secular life.

On this occasion I got talking to a fellow student about cold showers.

“I could never have cold showers,” I said.

“Yes, you could,” came the response. “You just choose not to.”

“You’re right,” I said. “But not during the winter.”

“You could,” he said. “You just don’t want to.”

He was right. A seed had been planted.

On May 11, 2008 something happened where I was forced to have a cold shower. Maybe it was a broken hot water system. Maybe it was the Veranus Island gas explosion. I can’t remember but I had to have a cold shower or not have one at all. 

I fought it and thought about every possible way to avoid the sting of that cold water.

And then the conversation with my zen friend came back to me. My fear of cold water was all in my mind.

So I climbed into the shower and turned on the water.

It was cold. Very cold.

But as I towelled myself dry I realised I wasn’t dead. In fact I wasn’t even cold. Far from it.

I felt alive, invigorated, pumped, as though I’d just overcome a demon and conquered something big.

But it was one cold shower.

That proves nothing, I thought.

During the course of the day I made a decision to do it again. After my next cold shower I decided to go a week without cold showers. The week turned into the end of winter, which turned into the end of the year, which turned into a year.

One year turned into two, two to three. The rest is history.

So what’s the secret to having cold showers.

The technique I now use I pinched off Bear Grylls. He says that if ever you have to swim in really cold water breathe out until you’ve expelled all of your breath. That stops you from having that take-your-breath-away feeling.

So now I get into the shower, turn the cold tap on, then start breathing out as I step under the water. I keep breathing out until every last drop of my breath is gone.

Guess what? By the time all my breath is gone I can’t tell the difference between cold and hot water, even in the middle of winter.

And now, with nearly 6 years of cold showers under my belt I’m disinclined to start having hot showers. Every time I step under that cold water, especially during the winter, I’m reminded that I have the power to choose the way I respond to my circumstances.  

Filed Under: Daily blog, Life strategies Tagged With: choice, cold showers, meditation, power of the mind, zen

How a game the Eagles lost taught me to use my iPhone less

January 14, 2014 by Peter Fletcher

Workers playing on their smartphones

Smartphones are useful but not if they get in the road of true connection. Image: Micah Maziar http://www.flickr.com/photos/mzwp/

In June of 2013 I watched the Eagles play the Bombers at Patterson Stadium. At the time the Bombers were embroiled in a drugs scandal.

The game was a cracker.

At half-time the Eagles led by just 3 points. By three quarter-time they’d manage to push that margin out to 17.

With Job Watson being jeered every time he went near the ball the Bombers had a lot to do. But it was clear they were far from beaten.

It was edge-of-the-seat stuff.

As you probably know, I like to observe. And through the course of this pulsating game I’d spotted a young kid sitting not far from me.

He was playing on his iPhone.

While the rest of the crowd booed and cheered and tried to will their team over the line he was hunched over his phone seemingly oblivious to the theatre that surrounded him.

Now I’m no stranger to technology but I felt a sense of sadness mixed with outrage.

I was sad that this young bloke was missing the spectacle of a titanic struggle and I was outraged that someone had paid good money for a ticket only to have the kid ignore the whole match.

Over the months since I’ve become more acutely aware of our apparent addiction to small screens.

And it’s not just young people.

It’s people of my age and older who are addicted to iPhone notifications but won’t do anything to stop them. It’s tourists who visit the Grand Canyon and see the whole thing through the screen of their smartphone camera. And it’s people who go out to dinner with their phones next to their plate, the whole time taking sneaky peaks to see if they’ve received a text or Facebook notification.

I see this addiction as robbing from our families and communities a sense of deep connectedness.

But there is a better way.

That better way is to make using technology a choice, not a reaction.

Along with a few other goals, I’ve made a decision to spend less time with my phone this year. Sure, I’ll still use it – probably more than most – but it will be on my terms.

I’ve already setup Do Not Disturb so that the phone isn’t buzzing and blinking during the night.

And I’ve stopped taking it to the toilet with me. Seriously, I never did that. It’s weird.

So what’s your take; do we use our smartphones and tablets too much?

Footnote: If you’ve read this far you deserve to know that the Eagles lost 13.13.91 to 15.8.98. It really was a sad night.

Filed Under: Daily blog, Life strategies Tagged With: choice, iPhone, phones, smartphone

10 tips for a long and happy marriage

January 7, 2014 by Peter Fletcher

Wedding ring quilt

Rita and I have been married for over 28 years. In this age of disposable everything that’s no mean feat.

Over those years we’ve lived and laughed together, done plenty of travel and supported each other through our highs and lows.

But just as a quilt isn’t made of one giant knot, a marriage isn’t made from one I Do.

After I Do the real work begins.

Here, then, are my 10 tips for a better marriage.

  1. Marry your best friend. Before Rita and I became romantically involved we hung out as mates. We went to the circus together, kicked the footy together and cut laps together. (That’s what bogans did in Kalgoorlie in the eighties.) We were comfortable around each other long before our first kiss.
  2. Have supportive routines. I make Rita a coffee every morning at 7am. It’s our way of starting the day together.
  3. Make home-coming and departure a big deal. If I’m home first from work I greet Rita at the front door with a smile and a kiss. We leave for work with a goodbye kiss – everyday.
  4. Have a goodnight routine. I always give Rita a kiss goodnight before heading off to bed.
  5. Do your share of the cooking and the housework. That includes vacuuming, dusting, doing the laundry, dusting and cleaning the windows.
  6. Tell your partner you love them – a lot. We say I love you multiple times every day.
  7. Look for the best in the other person. I still love Rita’s smile and her infectious laugh. It makes me feel good inside.
  8. Lose any sense of ownership of the other person. Recognise your interdependence and support each other’s life choices.
  9. Make a big deal of milestones. That means remembering anniversaries, birthdays and other special days.
  10. Make an extra-special big deal about milestone milestones e.g 5, 10, 20, 25 years. Celebrate what you’ve achieved.

What are your top tips for a happy marriage?

Photo credit: Eswift on Flickr

Filed Under: Daily blog, Life strategies Tagged With: commitment, happiness, marriage

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About Peter

Speaker, trainer and coach. I write about living, loving and working better. Love a challenge. More...

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