How George Orwell would write a real estate ad.

In Why I Write, George Orwell outlines 6 rules to help writers choose words that add impact to prose. These rules are:

1. Never use a metaphor, simile or other figure of speech which you are used to seeing in print.
2. Never use a long word where a short one will do.
3. If it is possible to cut a word out, always cut it out.
4. Never use the passive where you can use the active.
5. Never use a foreign phrase, a scientific word or a jargon word if you can think of an everyday English equivalent.
6. Break any of these rules sooner than say anything outright barbarous.

How can Orwell’s rules apply to writing a real estate ad?

The following is an ad selected from the December 2013 edition of Primo Life magazine.

Situated well away from the hustle and bustle of Marmion Avenue lies a superb value air-conditioned 3 bedroom modern bathroom home featuring separate lounge, dining opening out into an open plan family, contemporary kitchen and meals area. The large alfresco includes garden plus all weather pergola. Do not delay! Act now! Before it’s too late.

I’ll start with the edit applying each of Orwell’s rules in turn.

First, I’ll remove all of the overused figures of speech.

Situated well away from the hustle and bustle of Marmion Avenue lies a superb value air-conditioned 3 bedroom modern bathroom home featuring separate lounge, dining opening out into an open plan family, contemporary kitchen and meals area. The large alfresco includes garden plus all weather pergola. Do not delay! Act now! Before it’s too late. 

The ad becomes:

Situated well away from the traffic noise from Marmion Avenue lies a air-conditioned 3 bedroom modern bathroom home featuring separate lounge, dining opening out into an open plan family, contemporary kitchen and meals area. The large alfresco includes garden plus all weather pergola.

Next, I’ll replace long words with short words.

Situated Set well away from the traffic noise from Marmion Avenue lies a air-conditioned 3 bedroom modern bathroom home featuring separate lounge, dining opening out into an open plan family, contemporary modern kitchen and meals area. The large alfresco includes garden plus all weather pergola.

The ad now reads:

Set well away from the traffic noise from  Marmion Avenue lies a air-conditioned 3 bedroom modern bathroom home that has a separate lounge, dining opening out into an open plan family, modern kitchen and meals area. The large alfresco includes garden plus all weather pergola.

I’ll now cut out all unneeded words.

Set well away from the traffic noise from  Marmion Avenue lies a air-conditioned 3 bedroom (Already stated in the ad sidebar.) modern (Conveys no meaning.) bathroom (Stated in the sidebar.) home that has a separate (Separate from what?) lounge, dining opening out into onto an open plan (An overused figure of speech. Contains no meaning.) a  family, modern (conveys no meaning) kitchen and meals area. The large alfresco includes garden plus all weather pergola.

The ad now contains less words.

Set well away from the traffic noise from  Marmion Avenue lies a air-conditioned home that has a lounge, dining opening onto an a  family, kitchen and meals area. The alfresco includes garden plus all weather pergola.

Before removing the passive voice, I’ll tidy up a few typos.

Set well away from the traffic noise from  Marmion Avenue lies an air-conditioned home that has a lounge, dining room opening onto a  family room, kitchen and meals area. The alfresco includes a garden plus an all-weather pergola.

After removing the passive voice the ad becomes:

This air-conditioned home is set well away from the traffic noise from Marmion Avenue. It has a  lounge, a dining room that opens onto a family room, and a kitchen and meals area. The alfresco includes a garden and an all-weather pergola.

But even re-written the ad is a bland collection of nouns.

Strip it down further and you end up with a bullet point list:

• Airconditioned;
• Lounge;
• Dining room
• Family room;
• Kitchen/meals area;
• Garden; and
• All-weather pergola.

My writing time is up for this evening. I’m going to publish this post without providing a rewrite of the ad. I’ll do that in another post.